days are still slow and motionless. i'm almost at the brink of exposing myself every time i look someone in the eyes, and at school it feels like im doing it more and more often. is that a good thing or a bad thing? i dont know if i want people to know that part of me that hides in the unspoken crevices of my mind. but i do know that every day when i walk down those halls, or walk downtown, thats not me you see, its who's protecting me. it seems that nobody recognizes me this year. they look at me, and see who i am but i feel that they don't "know" me anymore. which is true. not very many people can say that they know me anymore and for now i'de rather keep it that way.
i decided that the theme of my summer was "the summer of truth". everywhere i turned was another "truth" stamped on someones forehead, and it was definately stamped on mine. i'm not sure how to talk to people any more, but i try. the boy i would like to have is completely distracted with at least fifteen other girls and all i can get out of him is the best embrace of the day and a few minutes of his time. but i cant complain. because i have a life so beautiful and busy and inspiring that even though i dont like where i have to go everyday, i'll always still dream and hope about what's next.

 what is it that keeps us ticking? how do we know that tomorrow will be a better day, or the day after that? this is the day after yesterday and i still havnt seen anything get better recently. im still sitting in this dark hole of mine, smoking cigarettes and wondering what the fuck im doing with my life.
this love in my heart belongs to no one. i dont want to search faces any longer wondering if they have what it takes.

 it's not them, its what you are afraid of. what do you trully fear? honestly, i fear almost every aspect of my life. i'm afraid of love, of the future, of everything. its ridiculous, but its who i am and not alot of people understand that. im tired of being a ghost in the hallways of my school and just wishing to be done with it already (and i only started 2 days ago). i seriously feel like im going to barf every single time i walk into that building. i dont want to blame school for my lack of freedom, but i have to say, i was loving life all up until the day we went back to school. school is a mindfucking vortex of consuming thoughts and its driving my CRAZY! i feel like school is going to limit my time of what i love to do. i dont have time for them anymore and those things, my art, is what keeps me alive at this point. i have a headache the size of jupiter and i want to go to bed but at the same time i want to go smoke another cigarette but my headache is telling me not to...
i miss my family...i miss david, and jason, and my dad. my sister is a completely different person now and im not sure how to feel about it. mom is always gone. she's always going somewhere, doing things. so the alternative is to smoke a bowl and practice the guitar. i can deal with that. 
I MISS YOU LEAH!!!! come home soon. i need a shit ton of leah time, like none other.